Down the Rabbit Hole

Alternate title: How I melted into a whiny little @$%$# Part 2397786

I woke up this morning with a deep and complete loathing for mankind. What? That's not normal? I don't know what it was but the past week I've been little grumpy. I have some theories:

Stupid people. Goes without saying.

The RS President who (not) so helpfully pointed out a rash of acne on my face that'd I'd been self-conscious about all week. Yes this goes under stupid people, but this was a special level of stupid I thought it deserved it's own mention.

Having to fill out a ton of paperwork for end of school stuff, next year school stuff, and stuff to get Alana into more therapy. Which I'm going to have to add to my weekly schedule. Yay.

No sleep. For some reason I've only been sleeping about four hours a night, usually broken up in several chunks.

I had a little manic episode. I unpacked a ton of boxes, painted the foyer, and when through two closets and donated half the stuff in them. And then sunk into the inevitable depression that followed afterwards. I've spent the past couple days barely getting out of bed and if I managed that, sitting on the couch watching Orphan Black. Which was awesome, probably the best show this year.

I found a picture taken when Alana was about a year old. I was about 50 lbs lighter. I don't feel so great about myself right now.

I found a gray hair. Which was as long as the rest of my hair. Which means that I've been going gray for a while. So I know that's not a big deal, but my hair is the only thing I'm vain about and I'm very sad.

But it might not matter because all my hair is falling out from the methotraxate. This is what I pulled out just running my hand through my hair after a bath:

I have no idea why I can't get this rotated right.

I'm start to wean off the prednisone for the sixth or seventh time. And like all the other times, my granulomas is growing again and hurting. Which is causing me to freak a little bit. But I've made a decision. I am done with the prednisone. I was only supposed to be on it for 9 weeks and it's now over eight months. I'm tired of the insomnia, the struggle with weight, the acne, and the complete crazies that come with it. I've developed a "moon face" and buffalo hump, which might not go away even after I get off the medication. But at this point, I'd rather take the pain and puss (four months if anyone's keeping track, ugh) than stay on these damn pills any longer.

So after that long boring whine, I think I'll just sit on the couch with a Belgian chocolate cup and some Gilmore Girls and feel sorry for myself.