08/31

Today I:

Went to the bank, grocery store, city building, and Home Depot
Put the last coat of stain on the table
most importantly didn't ram the annoying Prius in front of me at Costco gas that wouldn't pull forward even though cars were backing up into the street. Major win.

Miss Saigon

In July my best friend moved to Vietnam. (See her adventures here). She's posted about the food they've tried and I realized that I haven't ever really had Vietnamese food. I've had a sandwich once that was was pretty good. So tonight we took the kids to a restaurant called Tic-Tac-Pho (get it? Tic-tac-toe? Except pho doesn't rhyme with toe, so I don't get it either) and I figured I should try pho. Meh. I didn't hate it. I realized that I don't really like Vietnamese food because I hate cilantro. Apparently, it might be genetic. And cilantro is very plentiful. But I had some of the kids's teriyaki chicken that was yummy.

Today I:

Did two coats of stain on the table
Two loads of laundry
Took Alana to speech therapy and then Home Depot and library

What a panic attack feels like

Source

Disclaimer: Panic attacks vary from person to person. Also varies from time to time. Also differs from which voice in your head is the loudest at the moment.

The night I met the Bloggess I had a panic attack. Panic attacks are not rare for me but this was worse than normal. It was triggered because of the perfect storm of crap. I'd had a bad week with the kids's camp being awful and disappointing, and trying to over-exercise about three hours a day. It started before we'd even left for Costco when I was trying to solve a Rubik's cube (mistake #1, those things are evil) and I felt a baby migraine coming on. I took some Excedrin Migraine (mistake #2) hoping that could catch it before it grew up into an adult migraine complete with voting rights and therapy issues. I did okay at Costco despite it being a crowded place and eating a greasy deli dinner (mistakes #3&4) and we got home and put the kids to bed. Then the caffeine clobbered me over the head and I felt hot and sweaty due to upper 80 degree weather-not extremely hot but hotter than it's been most of the summer. I felt simultaneously jittery and like I couldn't move my arms and legs. I was surfing the internet when I saw Megan Reardon's (of Not Martha fame) instagram photo of the line for the Bloggess signing (mistake #5). With yours truly, front and center, and looking FAT. Something snapped. I wanted to cry, knowing that it was stupid because I AM exercising and trying to lose weight but knowing that I should cry because no matter how much I try to exercise I'll probably never lose the weight and I shouldn't even try, etc, etc. Stupid I know, but logic and emotional control usually aren't available when panic attacks come to visit. My heart rate was racing, my vision was spotty, I couldn't feel my feet, I was nauseated and wanted to scream, but I wasn't sure what about.

I spent the rest of the night wandering the house aimlessly. I tried going to sleep in my bedroom with the fan on high. After dozing and jerking myself awake about a dozen times, I tried sleeping on the small couch next to a window in the living room. I later moved to the big couch because I was freezing but felt like I was suffocating with blankets. After feeling like I was sticking to the big couch, I tried the floor between the couches thinking maybe the cooler air on the floor would help (again, logic not a big player). I eventually made my way downstairs where it was probably at least 15 degrees cooler. The kid's playroom was a mess which didn't help my state of mind. I find I have less panic attacks when I feel organized, possibly because I feel like I'm more in control, but when I start falling into depression I stop cleaning and then the house gets messy thereby making panic attacks more likely. It's a vicious cycle. Don't ask about my dysphoric episodes when I throw away everything. I played about three hours of Bejeweled before falling asleep sometime around 4 AM.

The next day I wasn't panicky but the world takes on a surreal quality. I spent the day cleaning, trying to control my environment. I was still so shaky I couldn't leave the house and I made Justin go grocery shopping, convinced I'd drive the car off the road. I even still don't feel quite myself even though it's almost two weeks later. I haven't gone back to the gym or my ballet class though I really need to. I don't leave my house unless I absolutely HAVE to. I want to sleep all day and have very little patience with the kids. Sometimes the aftermath is worse because it lasts so much longer. Panic attack are a bitch.

Today I:

Did 7 loads of laundry
Sanded some more
Vacuumed kid's rooms
Finished reading my book

Blarg

So it's wonderful when I can feel myself sinking back into depression. I don't know if it's lack of direction in my life, stress, or seriously, even the weather. Last winter nearly killed me. I always was wanting to go back to bed and just sleep all the time. I balloon about 40 pounds and I didn't even care. I started to perk back up when Spring rolled around, but I still lacked the energy I'd had the summer before when I was building furniture and painting. It took me TWO MONTHS to paint a 4'x8' wall in my house because I had to psych myself up for it.

So I've decided that I'm going to blog (or try to) everyday with the accomplishment of that day. Seriously, some days that only accomplishment might be dragging my ass out of bed. But at least I did it. When depression takes over, the little things count for a lot. So for today I:

Took Liam to speech therapy.
Made it through the grocery store without a panic attack (what is it with grocery stores? They always are giving my panic attacks)
Sanded and cleaned the table I'm refinishing (still have a lot more sanding to do)
Plucked my eyebrows

There you have it, the most boring life imaginable, but it's my life and I'm going to try to keep living it.

I met the Bloggess!

She was at my local Costco signing books. We got there about half an hour before she was supposed to start and there was already a massive line. Fortunately between mints and youtube on my phone we kept the kids fairly calm through the wait time. She's really nice and was talking to everyone in line and was very patient about taking a pictures.

If you don't know who the Bloggess is, here is her blog. She is really funny and swears A LOT, but I love her blog because she talks about her battle with depression and anxiety along with her love of Doctor Who and taxidermied animals. It's because of the Bloggess that I have googled "Bernadette Peters sex tape" (really not what it seems, though probably not for the faint of heart) and also think I need a life size TARDIS for the backyard.