Birth Order of Children
You've just been told that you are pregnant:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. ________________________________________________
Preparing for the birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ________________________________________________
The layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? ________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
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Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. ________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. ________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. ________________________________________________
Going out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. ________________________________________________
Swallowing coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.
This is from somebody's birth plan. It's the funniest one I've ever seen and I might steal it:
1. Unless I tell you otherwise, I want pain meds (this includes an epidural).
I do not want to be needlessly uncomfortable. Just give me drugs. I like being incoherent and unaware of the state of the war-zone that is my pelvic bowl. Please tell me what you are administering before doing so, however. Oh, and don't mind my whimpering... I don't like needles, but I'll live.
2. I don't like people.
Okay, I like people, but I would like to keep the room relatively cleared. If there is no reason for you to be there, and I express an interest in your leaving, please, don't take it personally. I just don't like crowds - they make me nervous, and I can't have Xanax until this is over.
3. Do not yell at me.
This means that when I need to push, just let me know. Ask nicely, or tell me in a firm voice if I'm being whiny, but DO NOT yell at me, and please do not "count it out" (in numerical form, or by repetitively saying "push push push", etc.) unless I ask you to do so. I would like to keep the room as stress-free as possible. The only person that needs to scream is me, thank you.
4. Let me have sustenance.
Please. If you keep me hydrated, you will be my best friend. And if I'm starving, please, please, please, just let me have the granola bar or a popsicle or something, unless the OB says that I can't have it. I promise that I will not hold you responsible if it makes me throw up.
5. Please let me rest.
During labor, you have to check my progress, and poke and prod, and that's fine. After labor, I know that you have to mash on my uterus to help it contract, and make sure that I can walk and pee and have a bowel movement, etc, but if I'm doing okay and you aren't doing one of those things, please let me rest. I haven't slept for the past 4 months. Let me enjoy my drug-induced stupor while I still can.
Thank you for your help, and I apologize in advance if I snap at you or tell dirty jokes.
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