What a panic attack feels like

Source

Disclaimer: Panic attacks vary from person to person. Also varies from time to time. Also differs from which voice in your head is the loudest at the moment.

The night I met the Bloggess I had a panic attack. Panic attacks are not rare for me but this was worse than normal. It was triggered because of the perfect storm of crap. I'd had a bad week with the kids's camp being awful and disappointing, and trying to over-exercise about three hours a day. It started before we'd even left for Costco when I was trying to solve a Rubik's cube (mistake #1, those things are evil) and I felt a baby migraine coming on. I took some Excedrin Migraine (mistake #2) hoping that could catch it before it grew up into an adult migraine complete with voting rights and therapy issues. I did okay at Costco despite it being a crowded place and eating a greasy deli dinner (mistakes #3&4) and we got home and put the kids to bed. Then the caffeine clobbered me over the head and I felt hot and sweaty due to upper 80 degree weather-not extremely hot but hotter than it's been most of the summer. I felt simultaneously jittery and like I couldn't move my arms and legs. I was surfing the internet when I saw Megan Reardon's (of Not Martha fame) instagram photo of the line for the Bloggess signing (mistake #5). With yours truly, front and center, and looking FAT. Something snapped. I wanted to cry, knowing that it was stupid because I AM exercising and trying to lose weight but knowing that I should cry because no matter how much I try to exercise I'll probably never lose the weight and I shouldn't even try, etc, etc. Stupid I know, but logic and emotional control usually aren't available when panic attacks come to visit. My heart rate was racing, my vision was spotty, I couldn't feel my feet, I was nauseated and wanted to scream, but I wasn't sure what about.

I spent the rest of the night wandering the house aimlessly. I tried going to sleep in my bedroom with the fan on high. After dozing and jerking myself awake about a dozen times, I tried sleeping on the small couch next to a window in the living room. I later moved to the big couch because I was freezing but felt like I was suffocating with blankets. After feeling like I was sticking to the big couch, I tried the floor between the couches thinking maybe the cooler air on the floor would help (again, logic not a big player). I eventually made my way downstairs where it was probably at least 15 degrees cooler. The kid's playroom was a mess which didn't help my state of mind. I find I have less panic attacks when I feel organized, possibly because I feel like I'm more in control, but when I start falling into depression I stop cleaning and then the house gets messy thereby making panic attacks more likely. It's a vicious cycle. Don't ask about my dysphoric episodes when I throw away everything. I played about three hours of Bejeweled before falling asleep sometime around 4 AM.

The next day I wasn't panicky but the world takes on a surreal quality. I spent the day cleaning, trying to control my environment. I was still so shaky I couldn't leave the house and I made Justin go grocery shopping, convinced I'd drive the car off the road. I even still don't feel quite myself even though it's almost two weeks later. I haven't gone back to the gym or my ballet class though I really need to. I don't leave my house unless I absolutely HAVE to. I want to sleep all day and have very little patience with the kids. Sometimes the aftermath is worse because it lasts so much longer. Panic attack are a bitch.

Today I:

Did 7 loads of laundry
Sanded some more
Vacuumed kid's rooms
Finished reading my book